A joke of a life time

Scene 1. Year:1990, On a Sunday morning.
"Enna da haircut idhu??", my mom exclaims. "Idhukkudhaan ungha thaathava andha kadaiku azhachindu pogha vendaamnu sonnen. Idhu enna sadhuravatta maadhiri irukku". My ears turn red. "Seri po, innum oru rendu maasathukku mudi vaara vendaahn, haircut'oohn panna theva illai."
I walk into the bathroom with tears rolling down my cheeks. I would be the laughing stock for the next few weeks. My sisters, their friends, my friends, teachers and occasionally, passersby would give me ideas for a decent hairdo.

Scene 2. Year:1995'ish. On a Sunday morning.
By now, I have grown into a teenager and I can go to the barber shop all by myself. Occasionally, my dad or my granddad insist on coming along.
"Amma, Konjam thanni boil panni vai. Naan poi haircut pannindu varen". "Seri da, oru 10'thu nimusham kaparam thanni vekaren". 40 minutes later, I walk into the house. It is surprisingly quiet. I realize my sisters have already gone out to pay their weekly visit to the beautician. My paatti is sitting in the living room watching some drama on Doordarshan. Thaatha is taking a nap and dad is pretending to read a magazine. Happy that I got a good haircut, I switched on the light in the smallish dining room.
The tungsten light immediately fills the room and my paati looks up to see the face of the intruder. She smirks slightly and announces,
"Uma un haircut sooper. Po!! appa kitta kaami"
I look at her trying to find out if it's a genuine comment or mockery. Just then my dad finishes reading his paper and is about to walk past me to take a shower. He looks at me, stops and says, "enna da idhu?? haircut'a?? mudi koranja maadhiri'e illa. Vaa naan unakku haircut panni vidaren".
Some people think they can actually do everything and anything. My dad is A living example of that and is on top of the list.

Scene 3. Year:2001. On a Sunday morning.
I'm in my 1st year of engineering. On the phone.
"So when do you want to leave?... in an hour!!! hmmm o..k. 3 o'lock it is, at Sathyam movie complex. I'll meet you there".
And I scream to my mom, who is grinding cocunut and red chillies in a mixer-grinder, "amma naan innum 40 minutes'la kalambanum. padam poren".
She is clearly irritated but maintains the calm in her voice when she says "nethikki dhaana da pona !! edho pannu".
At Sathyam, "what the...what haircut is this??", my girlfriend shrieks.
"Not a cut, so to speak, just got it trimmed" (all smiles).
"Whatever, don't you remember I told you a month back, I wanted you to have long hair like John Ab".
"What??? (in my mind, oh-oh!! When was this?? It's going to get unpleasant) Well obviously I did. But thought this way I will look smarter".
"Smarter?? crap. No hair cut for 2 months. Have long hair at least half as long as mine".
"But I'll look funny as hell".
"How do you look now??", she quizzed. Stumped.
"so long hair...".
"Yup long hair it is".
The movie was pathetic and our date, even worse. She wouldn't talk to me for the next 3 hours and insisted she take an auto back home when I offered to drop her.

Scene 4. Year:2003. On a Sunday morning.
I am visiting a dermatologist. The doctor is looking into a book so hard that I have a feeling he is trying to bore holes into it. "Beautiful Black Hair: Real Solutions to Real Problems", the title of the book reads.
"Nonsense", he says.
Thinking that was directed at me, I say"Excuse me". Without looking up, he says "Oh, Whats the problem?".
"I noticed a few grey strands of hair and was very concerned. I thought it might be because of some deficiency. So wanted to consult you about it doctor", in a very respectful tone.
He looks up and orders "come closer... bend down. Hmmm, you seem to have a receding hairline. You will go bald in the front. Yeah at the back too".
"But what about the grey hair".
No response. He is busy scribbling in a small piece of paper. "Apply this once a day". "But doctor..I will give your hair a few years. At the max 10 years".
"Doctor!!!", I exclaim.
"Yes, the fee is Rs.1000. Nurse bring in the next patient".
"Rs.1000 for 5 minutes?? Man, I should have become a doc.." As these thoughts fill my head, I walk out.

Scene 5. Year:2006. On a Sunday morning...early morning.
Ha!. I'm pursuing my masters. I have all the freedom in the world to do anything I want. I am returning home from the lab at around 2 am. Haven't slept for more than 6 hrs in the last 4 days, I'm thinking I should catch up on sleep. I'm having illusions, I'm hungry, irritated, confused, depressed, deprived and I have a deadline for Monday. I come home to find that my room is an entertainment hub and a movie theatre. My friends scream when I switch on the light. They are watching 'Requiem for a Dream' - a very depressing movie. That's the last thing I want to see. I make myself some noodles and gobble it up in seconds. I go into the bathroom to wash my face. I look up at the mirror and I realize my hair has grown longer than I have ever had. "When am I going to get out of this", I think. I walk into my room and angrily tell my friends, "kalambhungada, thoonganum".
"Machi, 30 minutes da. padam mudinjudum".
"No chance da. Naan thoonghi 6ru naal aachu. kalambhungha". At this they are obviously pissed.
"What a party spoiler, this asshole is", they think.
As I wait for them to get out of my bed, I stand in front of the mirror and look at my horrible self. Like he read my mind, my friend says, "enna da long hair vechuka poriya??".
Eager to end the conversation, I say "illa da haircut pannanum. Time illa".
He quickly retorts, "machi ippodhaan unnaala long hair vechuka mudiyum. Eppdiyum innum oru 2 years'la,..hmhmhm. Enghalukku ellaam time irukku. Unakku dhaan illa".
"That's enough. I can't take it anymore. Vellilla ponghada. Enna ninachundrukkeengha neengha. Chumma vutta pesinde irukeengha. Just because I don't say anything doesn't mean you can go on. Nallaikku project deadline vechindu padam paathundrukka. Adha mudhala mudikara vazhiya paaru. Apparam enna pathi pesalaam. Now just get out".
Not saying a word, the guys leave the room in seconds and never talk about my hair again.

Scene 6. Year:2060. On a Sunday morning.
Times have changed. Those days are gone. Some of my friends are dead and the others have settled in other countries with their families. Over the years, I have gradually lost touch with these blokes. After completing my masters and a few years later, I starting balding and gradually became completely bald. I accepted it as a normal phenomenon and tried to look cool and smart with that. Now I'm 77 years old and I don't think too much about my baldness or my looks. I'm sitting on the portico, reading my favorite magazine, "The Reader's Digest".
My grandson runs towards me from behind, "Thaatha, naan kadaikku poren. Unghalukku oru hair trimmer vaanghindu varatuma??". Before I turn my head and look up at him, he's gone. I say to myself, "Naan en ivalo periya otta vai'ya irukken?? Why do I keep telling everybody everything. I should change that aspect about me."

P.S: The incidents mentioned above are purely fictional and no part of it is true.